PARKING TOO CLOSE TO A PREGNANT WOMAN

This is another rant, written while I was pregnant in 2005. My best rants seemed to come in August that year. Perhaps I was not enjoying the heat. Regardless of the reason behind my vast un-Zen-ness, I was making my online pregnant pals chuckle. You'll notice it's about one of my favorite pet peeves, pregnant or not.

August 30, 2005

Do I have a big sign on my car that says PREGNANT - FOR A LAUGH, PARK REALLY CLOSE TO ME?!

Nothing makes me feel happier, sexier or gives me the confidence to keep hauling my ever swelling self into public like the joy of trying to squeeze my body-for-two into my car upon the realisation that some dingbat has parked 2 inches from my driver side door.

And you'd think me parking to the right of a parking spot, thus giving myself the most space possible on the driver side would be enough to ensure my ease in car reentry. Wrong-O! All this seems to do is make me a bigger target!

I swear, the bigger I get, the more people take it upon themselves to park as close to me as physics will allow! I think they would only be happier if they could actually park INSIDE my car!

And I'm pretty certain that being pregnant actually ATTRACTS people to you! I need a wide birth people (no pun intended) and I certainly don't need to be swarmed by people needing to brush up against the beauty of the newness of life that I carry within me. I'm big, I'm hot, my feet and back hurt and I am probably hungry and you can bet your boots I just want to wedge my butt into my car and go home! But people are just naturally attracted to life and that is why they must suddenly be close to me and my parked car!

I think that once you hit the mark of not getting in or out of a car comfortably, you are technically handicapped. Why don't WE get those nice wide handicapped spaces? I'm at least as big as a wheelchair at this point! And probably twice as dangerous when forced into tight spaces!

Forget BABY ON BOARD stickers, I want one that says I'M HUGE AND AM GOING TO DENT YOUR EFFING CAR IF YOU PARK TOO CLOSE TO MY DRIVER'S SIDE! And it had better come with a handicapped parking sticker!

MATERNITY PANTIES

This was written in 2005, when I was pregnant. It was a bit of a laugh (particularly among my online pregnancy support buddies, due around the same time as I was)and I thought it might be worth dusting off. I'm fairly certain that Maternity Panties are one of the top five reasons why we decided to stop breeding after our daughter was born.

August 29, 2005

What is the deal with maternity panties?

What twisted sick mind came up with their design?

I bought some on Saturday when I was shopping and my sister and I had a conversation like this:

Yasher: What size should I get?
MJbean: What do you normally wear? You should get the size you normally wear.
Yasher: I'm not normally pregnant.
MJbean: *glare* Get large if you buy large.
Yasher: But what if they aren't big enough? Maybe I should get X-large.
MJbean: *glare* Then get X-large. But you're only supposed to get the size you'd normally wear.

My sister is very smart. I don't question her as much as I just like to taunt her.

So I buy the large. I take them home. Last night I am brave enough to open a package.

No word of a lie, I could sail a boat with these things!

They are enormous! No, they are bigger than that! What is bigger than enormous? Gigantic! They are gigantic.

I show them to Wonko. I've never seen him laugh so hard. He suggests I take them back to the store. I say I should try them on first.

Then this little fever of terror strikes me. What if they fit? What if these gigantic things actually fit me? Morning sickness has NOTHING on the nausea I feel at this moment.

So I try them on.

I quickly conclude that some evil twisted creep of what certainly MUST be a man has designed these implements of insult with no idea in mind of what a pregnant woman actually looks like.

If I cut these panties in half, horizontally, they would look like regular panties. Apparently pregnant women require panties that are worn just under the boobs and arm pits. The bits below my navel fit okay. In fact, they are slightly large. No problem, I think, I am entering the 3rd trimester, I will grow into them.

The bit that really has me baffled is the two inches of uncomfortable lace at the waist. Why would they make the waist of maternity panties with two inches of uncomfortable lace AND make that bit fit tighter than anywhere else?

Ah right, because they are meant to be worn just under the boobs and arm pits, which, as everyone knows, is the thinnest place on a pregnant woman. Okay, maybe everyone doesn't know this and the reason for this is because it's not actually the case.

So the waist, which one would assume requires the most stretch in a maternity pantie is tighter than the boat sail of fabric between the bizarrely tight waist and the unusually large gusset.

Now, let's talk about the actual fit, beyond the tight waist, if you can still call it the waist when it's hiked up around the underside of your boobs and your arm pits.

To wear these things loosely, the waist digs into your midsection then rolls annoyingly into whatever the narrowest point at your waist is. The only way to fix this is to ensure the waist is firmly yanked up to your under-boob and arm pit areas where it will now pinch ever so slightly in an uncomfortable lace slash tight elastic kind of manner.

The added sexy benefit of having the panties yanked up this high is that the holes your legs fit through are also yanked up high. I can now see my hip bones (or what there is left to see of hip bones on a 6 month pregnant large woman) through the pantie leg holes. The gusset is now stretched nearly thong thin.

I am quite certain that there is more elasticity in one of the leg holes then there is at the waist which has me question, momentarily, whether or not I am wearing these panties in the correct fashion.

Not a sexy look. Truly, I can understand how I may never have any more children after this one as I believe that the concept of sex appeal and me in the same thought will never cross my husband's mind ever again.

I have purchased 6 pairs of these horrid little pieces of clothing. I would have thought that the last 3 months of pregnancy would be hard enough without battles with my undies every moment of every day.

I guess the lesson learned here is that, the more horrid the panties, the happier you will be to be out of them when in labor. How bad can labor be when the alternative is to deal with maternity panties?

TOILET CLEANING

I don't like cleaning toilets.

It really is quite gross.

Of all the many chores I do,

I hate this one the most.

BAD PARKING AT THE BANK

Here I am at the bank. This BMW was not beside me when I went in. When I came out, I was annoyed and decided to wait so I could see how this twit was going to get into their car.

I am stubborn. I waited for half an hour. HALF AN HOUR! Whoever the offending dipwad is must have known that I was waiting and chickened out of coming back to their car because I watched everyone come in and go out of that bank and for half an hour nobody returned to this stupid BMW.

As I had to back up to the right with cars parked behind me and a car parked on the other side of me (and me being horrid at backing up), it took me ages to get out of this spot. I couldn't see around the back of the moron's car and was nervous about cars coming from the drive-thru part of the bank which would be to the right, in this photo. People don't just stop when they see someone backing out of a parking space in this city because that would suggest politeness on their part and who needs to be polite when they can afford to drive a BMW?

My Bad Parker Attractant was mighty powerful on this day. I'm not sure if the picture does this justice. Clearly the BMW driver aka Bad Parker was a stick figure otherwise they'd never have gotten out of their car in the first place.

THE CORRECT WAY TO HANG TOILET PAPER

This is the correct way to hang toilet paper.

This is not.

PEOPLE WHO CAN'T PARK

I seem to have some kind of Bad Parker Attractant. People will go out of their way to park as close as possible to my car. I have ranted about this in the past and have, for the past several years, taken great delight in taking photographic evidence of these too-close-for-comfort encounters.

This photo was taken in March, 2007. It's my office parking lot. The fellow in the unit next to us is the worst parker on record and my favorite Bad Parker photo subject.

As people in my personal space (vehicularly or otherwise) is one of my hugest pet peeves, prepare for the repeated posting in regards to this topic.

ORIGAMI LUCK CRANES

I have a little green Origami Crane in my pocket. His name is Dennis. He says he is an Origami Luck Crane. And how can you argue with an Origami Crane? Especially one named Dennis?


Dennis has ventured from my pocket to share my tea. Who can blame him? I drink some pretty awesome tea.

HEY, RUDE LITTLE TWERP!

This is an open letter to the rule little twerp who keeps calling my cell phone:

Hey, you rude little twerp,

I can forgive you for having the wrong number once.

I can even forgive you for having the wrong number twice.

However I can NOT forgive you for hanging up on me during that second call and then doing the same thing the following day!

What's shocking is that you ASK for Mrs. Martin politely enough that I suspect that you are an adult (though maybe just barely), then you turn into a rude little teenage turd upon my polite explanation that you have the wrong number. Again.

Don't hang up on people who are in the middle of a sentence, you dipwad!

You're obviously not Canadian or you would have at least apologised before hanging up.

What is unfortunate for you is that I have your phone number.

I will exact my revenge in the name of Mrs. Martin.

Hang up on THAT, moron!

You win a boot to the head.

THE MIGHTY BANANA WEEB INFECTION

Few know of the Mighty Banana Weeb Infection.

In the darkness of night it will slink into your home and find your bananas. Instinct draws the Weeb to bananas and it can find them with little or no effort, regardless of how well you hide them. It finds the mightiest banana and infects it with Weebishness.

Hiding bananas in the fridge no longer keeps your long yellow tasties safe as the Weeb has evolved to such a degree that it can now open refrigerators, though the Weeb has commented that refrigerating bananas turns them black which is gross and seems to be a very high price to pay for banana safety, especially given that as Weeb protection, refrigeration no longer works. The Weeb further explained that in these cases, she will infect your black bananas just for a laugh.

An odd fact regarding the Mighty Banana Weeb Infection, and one scientists are hoping leads them to a cure, is though the Weeb does enjoy infecting bananas, it does not enjoy eating them.

Signs of Might Banana Weeb Infection include:

• markings that resemble a cute little face at the end of the biggest banana
• the nighttime sounds of giggling, as though a banana with a face was up to no good
• the mysterious juicing of your other fruits and vegetables
• missing mini marshmallows

At this time there is no cure for the Mighty Banana Weeb Infection. We recommend you wash your hands often and stock up on mini marshmallows.

ATTACK OF THE ST. PATRICK'S DAY ORIGAMI CRANE

Some of you are aware of my Origami Crane experiences.

Last St. Patrick's Day, this Origami Crane approached me and climbed into my hand. It appeared to be friendly.

At first.

Moments later there was a blood bath and my wounds had to be tended to by medics, some of whom were sickened by the sheer violence of the scene.

Though I still intended to study the creatures, you can understand why last year's St. Patrick's Day blood bath at the papery beak and wings of a mentally unstable Origami Crane would keep me cautious of getting too close to these majestic beings.

On this St. Patrick's Day, I was surprised to find another green Origami Crane in my office. This one seemed quite friendly and told me it would clean my teeth for me as it had been studying human dentistry. They are very clever creatures, Origami Cranes. No cavities, but apparently my gums are receding slightly and I have a follow up appointment in a couple of weeks.

I continued my study of these fascinating creatures.

Staple Removers, the Origami Crane's fiercest enemy!

It's simply disheartening just how many Origami Cranes are killed every year by this cruel predator! Fly away little Origami Crane, fly away!

Origami Cranes do not worry about their weight. They are naturally svelte. A diet high in eraser rubbings help these winged beauties fight off disease and offer a longer life than one might expect from a papery creature.

Origami Cranes are terrible hairstylists but they give a wicked pedicure! They are not fans of bright red nail polish, claiming such a color is for whores and Origami Swans, the scourge of the Origami World, and certainly, our own!

I am told that St. Patrick's Day signals the beginning of mating season and if I leave muffin crumbs in my office, I will have a rapid infestation of Origami Cranes. Here's hoping!

BOOK WHACKS TO THE FACE

When the book you are reading repeatedly whacks you in the face, it's time to call it a night.

I consider myself a smart person - a smart person who is alerted to it being time for sleep by being woken up by my book falling on my face. About four times.

I suspect this kind of behavior goes on, all around us, far more often than we realise!

Don't be a victim! Turn the lights out and go to sleep when you are sleepy. Don't let a book to the face happen to you!

(Image pinched from the Internet, somewhere.)

DST, SPRING AND THE CONFUSED

Here are a few facts for the confused out there, including (and especially) the newscasters (because they're all big fans of my blog):

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME 2010 starts on Sunday, March 14th at 2 A.M. That means that when you go to bed Saturday night, set your clocks forward an hour, as we will 'spring forward' (as opposed to our 'fall back' in the Autumn). DST did not start last night, nor does it mean the beginning of Spring. If you changed your clocks last night, you will find yourself incredibly early for lunch today, unless you're in a part of the world that does not recognise DST. DST was brought about to reduce evening usage of incandescent lighting, formerly a primary use of electricity. There are a lot of arguments at to whether or not there is much benefit to it now, other than we get an extra awesome hour of daylight in the afternoons. It's also worth a shot to try and trick your kids for a while because maybe if it's still dark in the morning, they'll think it's still night and go back to sleep for another hour on the weekends.

SPRING 2010 (the Vernal Equinox) begins on Saturday, March 20th, in the Northern Hemisphere. The Equinox has little to do with Daylight Savings Time and much more to do with the position of the Earth and the Sun.

AN EQUINOX IS NOT A SOLSTICE. We (the Northern Hemisphere) celebrate an equinox in the Spring (Vernal Equinox) and in the Fall (Autumnal Equinox). On a day of the equinox, the centre of the Sun spends a roughly equal amount of time above and below the horizon, night and day being of roughly the same length. We celebrate the Summer Solstice and the Winter Solstice when the tilt of the Earth's axis is most inclined toward or away from the Sun, causing the Sun's apparent position in the sky to reach its northernmost or southernmost extreme. The Summer Solstice is the longest day of the year whereas the Winter Solstice celebrates the shortest day of the year.

Happy Springing!

HEY GUY IN THE BIG RED PICK-UP TRUCK, DRIVING BEHIND ME TODAY!

So you're a little guy wearing a toque and driving a big red pick-up truck with a mini-dog peering out the front windshield.

I'm not really sure what you're trying to say about yourself.

Isn't this an awesome picture? I took it with my phone. No, really! Okay, not really.

HEY, DUDE WALKING SOMEWHERE, THIS MORNING!

Being a skinny guy with long hair, a purse, and walking to wherever you’re going because you just got off the bus, is not sexy.

Have a sandwich. Cut the hair. Lose the purse. Buy a car. Be a man.

You’re not rockin’ the look you THINK you’re rockin’.

Seriously. Trust me on this one.

FOOD ALLERGY AWARENESS WALK

Sophierella is one of Weeb's online friends. She is 3 years old and has severe food allergies, similar to Weeb's.

Her family is doing a walk for the AFAA (Anaphylaxis and Food Allergy Association) of Minnesota.

http://www.firstgiving.com/teamsophierella

American research will help Canadians, too!

If you can, please donate a few bucks to very good people walking for a very good cause!

GHOSTS IN THE OFFICE

I have been seeing ghosts dashing through my office all day. I see them move, turn to look and they are gone.

After several hours, it has finally dawned on me that I am NOT seeing ghosts.

What I AM seeing are cars driving past the window on my right, reflected on the left side of my glasses, making me think that I see something to my left, into the office, where I am alone, at the moment.

Which is infinitely less interesting.

Since I am clearly not bound by the boring laws of logic or reason, I have concluded that the universe WANTS me to see the ghosts that are in my office, by way of car-ish reflection. I'm just not looking fast enough.

I wonder if they can see me?

WOMAN WITH PEANUT ALLERGY FORCED OFF OF PLANE

I saw a news story today that sparked interest. It was about a woman who was forced to take another flight because of an allergy to peanuts. She'd asked the stewardesses not to serve peanuts for a snack and they refused and asked her to take another flight.

Normally I'd be enraged by this, because having a young daughter with a severe allergy to nuts automatically puts me on the side of the allergic. However, from the news article, this woman was a bit of an idiot. But obviously I don't know HER side of the story.

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/calgary/story/2010/02/26/calgary-woman-peanutallergy.html

Here are my comments regarding the article. I would say I was shocked at the other comments, but I'm not. People are STILL very ignorant regarding allergies. For my daughter, I will do my best to educate as many as I can as to WHY peanut allergies are more dangerous than other food allergies.

This woman needs to give her head a shake and make special arrangements BEFORE getting on a plane next time! To expect the airline to make changes last minute is absurd. What the airline did to her (though unfortunate) is exactly what she did to them in the first place!

Her stupidity aside, there are a lot of ignorant comments here. I was ignorant in regards to allergies once, too (and now I have a loved one with allergies and have been educated on the matter).

Peanuts are not your regular allergen. What makes peanuts different is that it takes A VERY SMALL AMOUNT OF PEANUT PROTEIN FOR A BIG BAD REACTION compared to other foods where you typically need a large amount of protein for a large reaction. Being in the same room is enough for some people to have a deathly reaction. Touching Something that someone who has eaten peanuts has touched can cause a fatal reaction in many peanut allergic people. With peanuts, it is not a matter of just don't eat them.

I can't imagine any of you (including the ignorant or self important) want to have a hand in somebody's suffering or death. It's not like they are suffering severe allergies because they made bad choices in life.

And lady, next time, call ahead, because YOU have to be responsible for your allergies BEFORE you expect others to be! I hope you were smart enough to have a couple of EpiPens with you, or did you expect the airline to deal with that, too?

There was an article I read a year or so ago about a severely peanut allergic woman who was trying to sue Starbucks because some tool behind the counter told her that a yogurt parfait (with granola) that they were selling didn't have nuts. The label did not indicate nuts. It's infuriating that the label did not have a warning, but any peanut allergic person SHOULD know NOT to eat something that MIGHT have been made in a plant that also uses peanuts. Any peanut allergic person should also know not to trust the high-school kid behind the counter at Starbucks OR trust labels! Anything with granola should be a big red flag! AND, and this is a BIG AND, any severely peanut allergic person SHOULD CARRY AN EPI PEN! She wasn't. Hey lady, I want to sue YOU because you're an idiot.

This article is 100% PEANUT & TREE NUT FREE! Written by a loony, but not a nut!