MATERNITY PANTIES

This was written in 2005, when I was pregnant. It was a bit of a laugh (particularly among my online pregnancy support buddies, due around the same time as I was)and I thought it might be worth dusting off. I'm fairly certain that Maternity Panties are one of the top five reasons why we decided to stop breeding after our daughter was born.

August 29, 2005

What is the deal with maternity panties?

What twisted sick mind came up with their design?

I bought some on Saturday when I was shopping and my sister and I had a conversation like this:

Yasher: What size should I get?
MJbean: What do you normally wear? You should get the size you normally wear.
Yasher: I'm not normally pregnant.
MJbean: *glare* Get large if you buy large.
Yasher: But what if they aren't big enough? Maybe I should get X-large.
MJbean: *glare* Then get X-large. But you're only supposed to get the size you'd normally wear.

My sister is very smart. I don't question her as much as I just like to taunt her.

So I buy the large. I take them home. Last night I am brave enough to open a package.

No word of a lie, I could sail a boat with these things!

They are enormous! No, they are bigger than that! What is bigger than enormous? Gigantic! They are gigantic.

I show them to Wonko. I've never seen him laugh so hard. He suggests I take them back to the store. I say I should try them on first.

Then this little fever of terror strikes me. What if they fit? What if these gigantic things actually fit me? Morning sickness has NOTHING on the nausea I feel at this moment.

So I try them on.

I quickly conclude that some evil twisted creep of what certainly MUST be a man has designed these implements of insult with no idea in mind of what a pregnant woman actually looks like.

If I cut these panties in half, horizontally, they would look like regular panties. Apparently pregnant women require panties that are worn just under the boobs and arm pits. The bits below my navel fit okay. In fact, they are slightly large. No problem, I think, I am entering the 3rd trimester, I will grow into them.

The bit that really has me baffled is the two inches of uncomfortable lace at the waist. Why would they make the waist of maternity panties with two inches of uncomfortable lace AND make that bit fit tighter than anywhere else?

Ah right, because they are meant to be worn just under the boobs and arm pits, which, as everyone knows, is the thinnest place on a pregnant woman. Okay, maybe everyone doesn't know this and the reason for this is because it's not actually the case.

So the waist, which one would assume requires the most stretch in a maternity pantie is tighter than the boat sail of fabric between the bizarrely tight waist and the unusually large gusset.

Now, let's talk about the actual fit, beyond the tight waist, if you can still call it the waist when it's hiked up around the underside of your boobs and your arm pits.

To wear these things loosely, the waist digs into your midsection then rolls annoyingly into whatever the narrowest point at your waist is. The only way to fix this is to ensure the waist is firmly yanked up to your under-boob and arm pit areas where it will now pinch ever so slightly in an uncomfortable lace slash tight elastic kind of manner.

The added sexy benefit of having the panties yanked up this high is that the holes your legs fit through are also yanked up high. I can now see my hip bones (or what there is left to see of hip bones on a 6 month pregnant large woman) through the pantie leg holes. The gusset is now stretched nearly thong thin.

I am quite certain that there is more elasticity in one of the leg holes then there is at the waist which has me question, momentarily, whether or not I am wearing these panties in the correct fashion.

Not a sexy look. Truly, I can understand how I may never have any more children after this one as I believe that the concept of sex appeal and me in the same thought will never cross my husband's mind ever again.

I have purchased 6 pairs of these horrid little pieces of clothing. I would have thought that the last 3 months of pregnancy would be hard enough without battles with my undies every moment of every day.

I guess the lesson learned here is that, the more horrid the panties, the happier you will be to be out of them when in labor. How bad can labor be when the alternative is to deal with maternity panties?