Wednesday, February 8, 2012


When I was pregnant, I had issues with maternity panties. They are the reason I only have one child.

A few years ago, when I was no longer pregnant, the brand of underwear that I had been purchasing for YEARS changed from S, M, L, XL, XXL to size numbers. That annoyed me and it took several purchases before I figured out my magic number. It took me a while longer to realise that not all makes of that brand fit, even though they were purchased at the same size number.

I hate underwear makers. But as I imagine the actual people making the goods to be children in third world countries, making pennies a day so their families may eat more than mud soup, I let it slide. I mean, those poor underwear making kids!

Now it is strange to admit this, but a family friend passed away (I still miss her) and her husband was giving away her possessions to family and friends. He gave some underwear, still brand new, with tags on and everything, to my mother. She gave them to me. I said, "Those are not going to fit me, Mom." She was quite insistent that they would and it was time for me stop wearing baggy, ugly clothes and start dressing like a real person and not a bag lady. Okay, she didn't say that with words, but she said it with her eyes. With love.

So I took them home.

And they sat in my dresser.

For weeks.

Then it occurred to me that my clothes WERE getting a bit baggy. I decided it was time for some new undies, since the ones I had been sporting were becoming akin to a horrid display of droopy granny panties. Then I started to accept the fact that I had been losing weight and maybe... just MAYBE these panties from a friend who had left us much too early, panties much nicer than ones I'd ever bought for myself in years, mind you, they MIGHT just fit. But they probably wouldn't.

So I tried them on.

They fit.

They fit!

How odd.

It had to be a manufacturer's error. Surely if I went and bought new panties at this size, they would not fit. I'd been fooled by numbers in the past, after all.

So Wonko, Weeb and I went out shopping. Weeb needed new socks. And underwear. So I figured I'd look. Just look.

I kept looking at the packages. What a lot of stupid underwear choices. I don't want so many choices. And how am I NOT in XXL territory? I FEEL XXL. I pick up a package and show it to Wonko. "These won't fit me."

"They will," he says.

"Nope, we'll buy them and take them home, I'll try them on and just feel sad," I said.

"They'll fit," he said (in a way that suggested that he was quite DONE with being in the mall and wanted desperately to NOT be in the mall OR hear me complaining about panties anymore and just by some already).

So we bought some.

But they were not going to fit.

So when we got home, I tried them on.

And they fit!


Now, and this is why I continue to hate underwear manufacturers, the blues ones fit. Those were the ones I'd tried on right away. The white ones fit. I tried those ones on the next day.

The problem was the black ones. One pack consisted of a blue, a white and a black pair of panties (why are they called pairs?). The black ones, in both packages I bought, were SLIGHTLY smaller, slightly tighter than the other two pairs in the package.

WHY is one pair of panties smaller than the others in the pack?!

I check the label. It says the right size. But for some reason, it's just a bit tighter and makes a glorious ripping sound at the elastic when I was in the bathroom doing bathroomy things that involve underpants.

I curse you, underwear manufacturers! I curse you to heck!

(And in case you are interested in the Panty Rant from Pregnancy, go here:


  1. Bwahahaha! I love you and I totally agree. And may I add I think underwear manufacturers are evil. They are. Very.

  2. Oh My Goodness. So True. So true.